I just spent the last few hours tossing and turning just when I thought I was tired enough to sleep, I found myself plagued with thinking about…you guessed it. Hecking NaNoWriMo. What a shocker, I know. And while most other people around the world are all excited about being able to write next, (day)dreaming about their characters and what not, I have a different feeling.
After a night of getting myself 500 words ahead of scheduled (I mean, it’s nothing oh-em-gee, but it’s 500 words more than my usual daily goal), I found myself getting into bed and thinking something rather sour towards NaNoWriMo.
“That writing session…wasn’t exciting.”
“In fact, none of my writing sessions have been exciting…”
And now here I sit, typing up this post, and I can’t help but wonder, is there something wrong with me? Have I lost my true passion for writing? Because in all honesty, I think I’d have more pleasure in finishing the novel I didn’t finish last year (which was the second draft for my 2014 winner).
Aerials (cover created by Mellanie Young from nanowrimo.org) is a steampunk romance where this character named Joule is the head mechanic on a skyship called Kairos. She’s best friends with the captain, Oswald Rith, and has been ever since his father had taken Joule and her younger sister Isoline in. After securing new machines for the ship after months of trying to keep the old ones from ruining the ship, shit goes down and Joule and Isoline have to escape the ship before Joule gets blamed for something she would never ever think of doing. A mysterious family takes them in, their son Edric falls in love with Joule, and eventually Joule and Isoline find out they’re not exactly orphans, that a family member is still alive and has strategically kept an eye on them ever since they were given away. Isoline gets kidnapped, Joule finds out what true love feels like, and a mystery villain is behind a massive amount of unhappy events, and the family member comes to save the day…
Yeah, I have the entire plot planned out, outlined. Created the characters and got to know them. It was all sunshine and chocolate until I realized tonight it was all, in fact, just a bag of poop. I’ve tried to get to know the characters. I tried to bond with them, get excited for them. But they’re not Addison and Drew (characters from past novel). I’m not excited for the ensued sexual tension. I’m not jumping for joy for two characters I totally ship being in the same breathing distance. Because it’s not said past novel.
I went from first being horrified at realizing how much I regretted the decision of trying to try something new to being head to toe with regret, to now just feeling impatient for NaNoWriMo to end. All I can think about right now is how much I just want to get the novel done and over with.
Now, to make things clear, this doesn’t mean I’m going to give up on the novel and on NaNoWriMo. No, this means something a lot of authors frown upon. I’m going to poop out this novel without a single care (and ounce of passion, from what it seems) because I refuse to think about wasting my entire October planning a novel just to give up on it.
I refuse to give up.
A part of me hopes that somewhere among the writing I’ll finally click with the story. Maybe I’m just tired and need a yummy cup of coffee to get my passion flowing again. Maybe I’m just hungry. Who knows.
I think I’ve been so worried about my past novel Forgiven for the longest time that I’m having trouble learning to worry about anything else that’s not Forgiven.
Writing is hard…
This depression NaNoWriMo message was brought to you by Shiverpass. Because…yeah.